What can I do when I'm worried about my partner's relationship with food and his health?

Thank you for sharing this with us! 

It sounds like you are in a new situation that is bringing up a range of feelings. You care about your partner and want to be with him, while at the same time noticing that the changes in his body and the way he eats are affecting you. A helpful starting point is to remember that we do not always choose what we think or feel. This means that we do not need to feel ashamed of the thoughts or reactions that arise within us. 

Our reactions to body size are shaped by the norms and ideals around us, as well as by our own experiences and beliefs. It might be helpful to approach your own reaction with curiosity and reflect on what your boyfriend’s weight gain brings up for you and what you think it means. This may help you better understand what lies behind your reaction and how you would like to respond to it. 

Of course, you do not need to pretend that appearance or weight does not matter to you if you notice that it does. We may wish that appearance did not matter and still find that a physical change affects the way we see someone. But that is not the same as someone’s appearance being “wrong,” nor does it affect their worth as a person. It may be helpful to allow yourself to acknowledge that you are reacting to the change, while at the same time choosing not to make your partner’s body the problem. 

At the beginning of your message, you mention the idea that people who gain weight are ruining their bodies and behaving irresponsibly. A more nuanced way of looking at this is that eating and weight are complex and influenced by many factors besides a person’s ability or willingness to take responsibility. In your partner’s case, for example, you describe stress-related binge eating, a history of yo-yo dieting, and a difficult relationship with food. 

You describe feeling unhappy about your partner’s weight gain, as well as concerned about how he is doing and his relationship with food. You want him to take care of himself, while also recognizing that this is a sensitive and difficult subject to bring up. So let’s unpack what you might want to communicate if you decide to start a conversation about it. 

Since this is affecting you, and may ultimately affect your relationship, it may be important to find a way to talk about it. That can be a way of taking responsibility for the relationship. The focus of the conversation does not necessarily need to be his weight. Instead, try to focus on what you have noticed, your care for him, and what you are concerned about. 

It is understandable if this feels like a difficult subject to bring up. Weight, eating, and body image are sensitive topics for many people, and concerns can easily be heard as criticism. It can therefore be helpful to think about what you really want to communicate before starting the conversation. 

One option is to keep the focus on your concern for how he is feeling, his relationship with food, and what he might need. If the binge eating is recurring, he may benefit from professional support. You could explore whether he would be open to seeking help, for example through primary care. 

One way to start such a conversation could be: 

“I’ve noticed that you seem more stressed lately, and I’m a little worried about how you’re doing. How have you been feeling?” 

I hope this has given you some guidance on how to move forward and helped you think about whether, and if so how, you might talk to your partner about what is going on. 

Take care! 

Licensed psychologist