What should I do if I get worried about my friend who seeks out men who aren’t good for him? 

Hello, and thank you for your question! I understand that you’re worried about your friend. You write that he hasn’t come out to everyone, but I’m guessing you are someone he has opened up to. That suggests that you are close to one another and that your thoughts may be received in a good way. 

I think you can try talking to your friend about what you’ve noticed, express your concern, and ask how he feels and how he sees his situation. It can be difficult to start such a conversation, and it’s of course important to “ask for permission” before diving into it. One way to do this is to choose a moment when you have time to talk and say something like: “I’ve been thinking about something that makes me worried about you. Is it okay if we talk about it?” 

You don’t write in what way the men he meets aren’t good for him. It could be anything from him meeting men who are emotionally unavailable, unreliable, selfish, critical, controlling, or who cross boundaries or commit other kinds of inappropriate or abusive behavior. 

In the conversation, it’s important to listen openly and avoid sounding judgmental. It’s also important to find a good balance between explaining why you’re worried and telling your friend how he should act. Advice is usually received best when it’s asked for, no matter how important it may be. However, you can be clear that you think he has been treated poorly by the men he has met, and that such behavior is not okay. 

You may find that you share the same view of the situation, but it may also be that your friend doesn’t see it the same way for various reasons. If he’s open to receiving support and advice, you can offer it as much as you can and feel comfortable with. But if you think your friend needs more help than you can provide as a friend, you can (depending on age and location) suggest a youth centre, men’s clinic, a sexual health clinic, LGBTQ+ health services, a primary care center, or student health services if he is a student. 

It’s difficult to see someone you care about being hurt, so it’s important that you also take care of yourself. Remind yourself that you can be a supportive friend who is there and listens, but that you are not responsible for your friend. 

Licensed Psychologist