Why do I push away people I love when they haven’t done anything wrong or anything they don’t know hurts me?
Hi, and thank you so much for your question!
Just as you describe, we can get caught in painful patterns that are hard to understand and don’t match how we actually want our relationships to be.
There are several possible explanations for why someone might push others away even when they love them. Our relationship patterns are shaped by many factors, such as attachment style, relational experiences throughout life, emotional regulation skills, social and communication skills, and how we’re doing in life more broadly in terms of stress and stability.
Pushing people away can be about fear of closeness, low self-esteem, fear of being hurt or rejected, difficulties trusting others, having high expectations that lead to disappointment, or difficulties expressing your own feelings and needs. It can also be related to challenges in handling emotions, where strong feelings take over and guide behavior in ways that make it hard to act in line with what we actually want in our relationships. Often these behaviors are strategies that once served a purpose earlier in life but are now getting in the way in current relationships.
You mention that you push away people you love when they have done something without knowing it hurt you. When you write “push away,” this can include anything from avoidance to anger or other ways of creating distance. Often there are clues in what happens just before you react. It can be helpful to pause and try to understand what triggered the strong feelings. Helpful questions to reflect on include: What interpretation are you making of what happened? What feelings does it evoke in you? What do you hope to achieve by pushing the person away?
When emotions are strong, it becomes difficult to interpret situations in a nuanced way, and the impulse to withdraw is often driven by feelings. In the moment, it can be hard to understand the other person’s intentions - and your own reactions - and withdrawing might feel like the safest option. But it’s important not to let the initial reaction take over too much. By putting your thoughts, feelings, and impulses into words, you give yourself a chance to consider the consequences of acting in different ways. It’s also important to meet yourself with kindness rather than self-criticism, since fear of not being “good enough” can strengthen the urge to push others away.
If you notice that this behavior is negatively affecting your relationships, you might reflect on how you would prefer to handle these difficult moments in ways that match the kind of relationships you want. Consider what a first small step could be toward moving closer to others even when you feel hurt—what would you need, and how can you increase the chance of that happening? Is it possible to communicate your feelings and needs?
It can be very hard to break old patterns entirely on your own. If you need support on the path toward change, you can seek counseling. This is something you can access through your primary care center, a youth clinic (if you are within the age range), or in some cases through student health services.
Take care of yourself!
Licensed psychologist
