About self-criticism
Self-criticism includes all forms of negative judgements about our shortcomings, mistakes and the difficulties we encounter in everyday life. Everyone engages in self-criticism to some extent, but it becomes a problem when it takes up too much space in our lives.
Go through the questions below and explore your own self-critical tendencies:
- Do you often criticise yourself for not living up to certain standards or ideals?
- Do you tend to underestimate or downplay your own qualities?
- Do you find it difficult to accept your shortcomings or failures?
- Are you often harsh and critical towards yourself?
- Do you tend to think that things that go well are due to factors other than your own efforts, while things that go badly are your own fault?
People with perfectionistic tendencies often recognise themselves in many of the questions above and answer “yes” to them. For them, self-criticism is often a central part of the problem – it arises when they fail to meet their high standards and expectations. This can in turn lead to attempts to compensate for their perceived failure, which makes it easy to get caught in a negative cycle.
My self-critical tendencies
To be able to change self-criticism, we need to start working with it actively. This can be especially difficult for people with perfectionistic tendencies, as self-criticism has often become a natural part of their everyday life and sometimes even is seen as necessary in order to succeed.
A first step is to explore the consequences of self-criticism. What are the advantages and disadvantages? Is it really helpful for your performance? How are you negatively affected when you fail to live up to your standards?
Reflection question
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Self-criticism and self-compassion
Self-criticism can be described as a distorted and unfair way of evaluating ourselves. It draws attention towards what we perceive as shortcomings which we often find difficult to change. Instead of helping us move forward, self-criticism can therefore hold us back and reduce our motivation and drive.
An important explanation for this is that self-criticism activates our threat system – the same system that helps us detect and respond to external dangers. When we are self-critical, the body reacts in a similar way to how it does when we experience a real threat.
In the event of external threats, this is a helpful mechanism. We need to be able to assess the situation quickly and act to protect ourselves, without stopping to process all the information. However, when the threat is internal – that is, coming from our own thoughts – this mechanism does not work as well. If self-criticism becomes a long-term pattern, it can lead to an imbalance between our three basic emotional systems: the threat system, the drive system and the soothing system.
These three systems can be likened to a three-legged stool. If one or more legs are missing, we become unbalanced and the stool risks falling over. People with perfectionistic tendencies and strong self-criticism often find themselves in this kind of imbalance. They may find it difficult to activate the drive system – that is, to feel motivated, move towards goals or do things that bring curiosity and enjoyment. At the same time, it may be difficult to activate the soothing system and allow themselves to rest and unwind.
To reduce self-criticism, we need to practise self-compassion. The term may feel unfamiliar, but at its core it means responding to ourselves with the same empathy and understanding that we often show others in difficult situations. It involves noticing our own suffering, meeting it with openness and kindness, and having a willingness to respond in a constructive way.
| Self-criticism | Self-compassion |
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Exercise – My close friend
Being self-compassionate can be difficult. Like many other approaches, it requires practice. One way to begin is to practise changing perspective: what would you say to someone else who is struggling? The aim is to find a more compassionate way of responding, which you can later also apply to yourself.
In the exercise below, you will have the opportunity to practise this. Think of a friend or someone close to you who you know is struggling at the moment. Go through the questions and write down your answers.
1. Show understanding for what the person is feeling and thinking
Example: I understand that you feel disappointed, sad and ashamed. You have really worked hard on the essay.
2. Remind them of the bigger picture
Example: Remember that you have been going through a difficult period and have had a lot to deal with. At the same time, things usually go well for you.
3. Be supportive and give gentle advice
Example: I understand that this feels difficult because it didn’t go as you hoped this time. Is there something you can take from this and learn for next time?
4. Identify possible ways forward
Example: How could you handle this going forward? Are there people around you that you can ask for support or talk to in order to move on?
Hopefully, this exercise has given you a new perspective on your own self-criticism and how you can respond to it. You can also repeat the exercise in everyday situations, for example when you meet others who are struggling. In this way, you can gradually develop a more self-compassionate approach.
In the final section, we will take a closer look at the tendency among perfectionists to base their self-worth on performance, and how to reduce this.