How can I manage my perfectionism and cope with feelings of inadequacy and anxiety when I feel like I can’t perform as well as others?

Based on your question, I understand that you have already begun making changes, but that the discomfort that comes with going against your high standards, as well as comparing yourself to others, is still present. 

First and foremost, you should be proud that you have started a process of change. It’s difficult and often takes a long time. This is completely normal. We often hope everything will improve right away, but change is a gradual process that is frequently demanding and uncomfortable. This is how it works for all people. Feeling worry, anxiety, or feeling on edge does not necessarily mean you’re on the wrong path — on the contrary, it can be a sign that you are on the right path, but that you are now encountering the discomfort you previously avoided. 

It sounds like you’re struggling with a fair amount of self-criticism, comparisons with others, and at times turning against yourself — something very common among people with perfectionistic tendencies. Self-criticism is often broad in nature and involves various forms of negative judgments about our shortcomings, mistakes, and the difficulties we encounter in daily life. To change self-criticism, we need to begin working with it actively. A first step is to examine the consequences your self-criticism has for you. What are the advantages and disadvantages? Is it truly helpful for performance? How are you negatively affected when you fail to meet your standards? 

To reduce self-criticism, we need to practice self-compassion. The concept can sometimes feel unfamiliar, but at its core, it’s about meeting yourself with the same empathy and understanding that you would show others in difficult situations. It means being aware of your own suffering, approaching it with openness and kindness, and having a willingness to handle it in a constructive way. This can be done in many ways and requires practice. 

A first step for you could be, when your high standards, lack of energy, feelings of failure, worry, or anxiety appear, to notice them and try to shift perspective by asking yourself: “What do I need right now?” This means shifting the focus to your needs outside of performance. The goal is not to immediately master or stop the comparisons but to gently notice them and then redirect your focus. 

Another step you can take is to broaden your life and reduce the time and space that perfectionism and performance occupy. Reflect on what else is important to you. Perfectionists often tend to overvalue performance and put all their eggs in one basket. Other life areas may still be present, but over time they receive less space. 

You can start by asking yourself: Which areas of my life contribute to my sense of self-worth? How much space and time do they take up? How do they affect my overall well-being? From this — which is very common — you may discover that there is some imbalance. Then consider what is important to you at a deeper level, beyond performance. What do you want your life to be about? Which relationships, activities, or qualities do you want to give more space to? What steps could you take and what could you do to broaden and strengthen other areas of your life? 

Remember again that change takes time, but it always begins with small steps in a new direction. 

Good luck moving forward! 

Student health counselor