How do I tell my mom that I'm struggling when I'm ashamed to talk about it?

Thank you for sharing this! 

It sounds like your relationship with your mum is important to you and that you would like her to know a little more about how you’re doing. At the same time, you’re worried about burdening her or that she might get tired of hearing about how you’re feeling. It’s understandable that this can make it harder to take the step of telling her. 

Another thing that seems to be creating a barrier is that it may feel harder to talk about how you’re doing when it isn’t obvious from the outside. But just as you say, there’s no contradiction between struggling in your everyday life and seeming to be doing quite well when you visit home and have more company, things to do, and people taking care of you. 

It may be helpful to think beforehand about what you most want her to know and what you would like to get out of the conversation. Do you mainly want her to know how you’re doing? Would you like to be able to call her sometimes when things are difficult? Do you mostly want her to listen when you need to talk? Writing down a few sentences beforehand can make it easier to get started. 

A good starting point is to remember that you don’t have to choose between saying nothing and telling her everything. One option is to start with what you’ve described here: that you want to give your mum a better sense of how things have been for you since you moved away from home. 

It can be helpful to choose a time when you have plenty of time and won’t be interrupted. For some people, conversations like these feel less intense if they happen while going for a walk, driving somewhere, or doing something else together. A phone call can work too, or you could write something to her instead. 

When we talk to other people about difficult things, it’s helpful to leave some room for the fact that we don’t know exactly how the other person will react. We often have expectations and needs, and perhaps an idea of the kind of response we hope to receive. If the other person becomes quiet, starts offering advice we don’t want, or seems unsure of what to say, it can feel disappointing. 

Try to keep in mind that an initial reaction doesn’t necessarily tell you everything about how your mum feels or how the conversation may develop. She may, for example, need some time to take in what you’re telling her, or she may simply be unused to talking about feelings. She may also feel sad or emotional when she hears what you’ve been going through. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ve shared too much or that it was wrong to tell her. 

So when it comes to taking that first step and starting the conversation, perhaps you do, in a way, need to “rip off the Band-Aid.” But that doesn’t mean you have to tell her everything at once. You could think of it more as opening the door a little. Tell her what feels most important, see how it feels, and let the conversation continue from there. 

It sounds like you have other people around you whom you can talk to, and that’s valuable. If you’ve been struggling for a longer period of time and notice that it’s having a significant impact on your everyday life, professional support is also available, for example through student health services or primary care. 

Take care! 

Licensed psychologist