How do you handle ending a relationship when it’s not that the love is gone, but the practical circumstances simply don’t work?
Thank you for reaching out to us!
Coming to the conclusion that it isn’t possible to continue a relationship even though the love is still there is, of course, an incredibly difficult decision to make.
But if there are practical aspects that prevent you from being together in the way you both want and need, strong feelings alone won’t be enough. The relationship will eventually reach a point where your needs aren’t being met, and where both of you experience emotional strain that becomes too heavy to carry. I’m guessing that this is where you find yourself now, and perhaps you both see the situation in a similar way.
If the decision to end the relationship isn’t mutual, you may also be dealing with the emotions that often come with being the one who leaves — feelings many people find hard to handle, such as guilt, betrayal, or the pain of hurting someone you love. If that is the case for you, I hope you can remind yourself that you likely wish there were a way to end things without hurting anyone, and that causing pain is the last thing you want — but that this step is necessary, and the difficult emotions you feel are simply a reflection of how much you mean to one another.
If the decision has already been made, there are different ways to think about how available you should be to each other — whether you want to stay in contact in some way, or if you prefer not to have any contact at all. There are pros and cons to both approaches, and it can be hard to know in advance what will support your healing and what might make the process of grieving what you’re losing longer or more complicated. It often takes time to figure out what genuinely helps as you navigate a life without a person who may currently feel impossible to live without.
When it comes to managing daily life after a breakup, people vary a lot in what they need. Some find that they don’t have the energy they usually do, need to withdraw, and may want to spend a lot of time in bed. It can also temporarily become more difficult to concentrate on studies. For others, it becomes important to stay more active than usual — to have things to focus on, to “dose” the moments when difficult emotions like grief, longing, disappointment, or other painful feelings surface and perhaps feel unbearable at times.
What’s most important is finding a balance where you neither withdraw completely — which could leave you more passive than what is healthy for you and cut you off from support from family or friends — nor run from your feelings by distracting yourself during every waking moment. For many people, ending a relationship brings on a crisis: a sense of losing one’s footing or losing a part of oneself. It does become easier with time, but in the meantime, support is available if you need it. Contact 1177 or your local student health service for guidance on where to turn if you feel worse than you can manage on your own.
Take care of yourself.
Licensed psychologist
