How do you cope with unrequited love when you have no one to talk to? 

Hi, 

Thank you for your question. Unrequited love is probably one of those experiences that many of us share, yet it can still feel incredibly lonely to go through. 

When you care deeply about someone who doesn’t feel the same way, or when a relationship doesn’t turn out the way you had hoped, it’s common for thoughts about it to take up a lot of space. You might replay old conversations, wonder what you could have done differently, or imagine how things might have turned out. This is a completely natural way for the mind to try to make sense of something that feels important. 

At the same time, there is a risk of getting stuck in these thoughts. If you notice that you’re spending a lot of time analysing the person or the situation, it may help to ask yourself: “Are these thoughts helping me right now, or are they just keeping me stuck?” You don’t need to stop yourself from thinking about the person, but sometimes it can help to gently shift your attention to something else when you notice your thoughts going round and round in the same circles. 

When you don’t have anyone to talk to, writing can be helpful. You could, for example, write down how you feel, what you wish you could say to the person, or what you miss most. It doesn’t need to be well written, and no one else needs to read it. Many people find that their feelings become a little easier to carry when they can get them out of their head and onto paper. 

When we’re feeling low, we often become harder on ourselves. We might think that we should be over it by now, or that we shouldn’t feel this strongly, but emotions rarely work that way. Instead, try to give yourself a little extra care and kindness right now. Make sure you’re getting enough food, sleep, physical activity, and breaks from your studies. Think about what you can do to comfort and take care of yourself. When we’re feeling sad, it’s often these basic things that start to fall away first. 

It can also help to keep doing things that usually give you energy or a sense of meaning, even if they don’t feel particularly enjoyable right now. You don’t necessarily have to wait until you feel like doing something before you do it. Often, some of the motivation or enjoyment comes afterwards. A workout, a walk, a TV series you enjoy, music, a student club or other group activity, or a trip into nature may not take away the sadness, but they can give you small moments when life is about something other than the person you’re grieving or missing. 

Many people also find it helpful to create some distance from the person their feelings are focused on. Perhaps you need to take a break from looking at their social media or checking up on what they’re doing. Even if doing this feels comforting in the moment, over time it may keep us stuck for longer than is helpful. 

When we’re heartbroken, it’s easy to interpret what has happened as a reflection of our own worth. But having feelings for someone who doesn’t feel the same way does not mean that there is anything wrong with you. Love isn’t about being good enough. People develop feelings, or don’t develop them, for many different reasons that are beyond our control. 

Grief is sometimes described as coming in waves. This means that we tend to move back and forth between difficult feelings and ordinary moments of everyday life, including moments of happiness. Right now, it may feel as though you will be thinking about this person forever. But that is rarely how it stays. Over time, most people find that the thoughts come less often, the sadness becomes less intense, and there is once again room for other things in life. Not because they made themselves stop feeling, but because time gradually does its work. 

Even though you say that you don’t have anyone to talk to right now, that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to carry everything on your own. Is there someone in your life you might feel able to tell a little about how you’re doing? You don’t have to tell them the whole story, but opening up a little may create an opportunity for support and connection. If these feelings are taking up a lot of your energy or are having a significant impact on your everyday life or your studies, you could also look into whether there is someone you can talk to professionally, for example at a youth clinic if you are younger, or through your local student health service. 

I hope this answer has given you something to hold on to. Take care of yourself. 

Counsellor / Licensed Psychotherapist