Talking to others

Taking the initiative  
Depending on your daily life, the chance to chat to someone may vary. Many people find it easier to talk to someone they share a context with, such as someone on the same course or degree programme, someone who trains at the same gym or someone who works at the same place. If you study remotely and don’t have leisure activities or a workplace where you interact with others, you may need to take the step of starting an activity or joining a club to increase the time you spend with others in different types of social situations. 

When you start a conversation with someone you don’t know, a suitable topic of conversation can be something related to the context you share. If talking to a fellow student, you can ask them what they think about the course you’re studying, what they thought about the last exam, or raise another question or topic about the course or your future work.  

Sometimes the conversation ends quickly, and sometimes a longer conversation can occur. Try not to judge yourself by the length of the conversation. It’s difficult to know in advance how someone will respond when you begin a conversation, and the response you get may be due to a variety of factors that aren’t about you. Don’t take full responsibility for whether a conversation flows well or feels a bit awkward – everyone involved shares responsibility for how a conversation progresses. Try to see brief everyday conversations with people around you as a good way to gain experience of talking with others.   

Keeping a conversation going  
In conversations, it often helps if both people involved get space to talk and both feel listened to. That means balancing active listening with contributing yourself. A conversation flows less well if you only listen passively or if you speak about yourself non-stop. Active listening involves non-verbal signals such as occasional eye contact, and nodding or murmuring “mm-hmm” to show that you’re listening, and verbal responses where you briefly comment and react to what’s said. These responses may be “Oh, that’s great!”, “Right” or “What a shame!” They may also involve validating the feeling someone is expressing: “I can see why you were disappointed,” or “That sounds really good for you.”. 

Keeping a conversation going is also about showing interest in what’s being said and in the other person by asking follow-up questions, such as “How did it go?”, “What did you do then?”, “How do you feel now?” and “What do you think about it?”.  

Open questions 
It’s good to ask some open questions, as they invite more developed answers than closed questions, that often lead to short yes/no replies. Examples of open questions are: “What did you think of the lecture?” and “Why did you choose this programme?” Examples of closed questions are: “Did you think the lecture was good?” and “Do you like the programme?”  

In the same way that it’s good to ask open questions, it’s also beneficial for the conversation if you answer open questions with more than just a few words. For example, responding to the question “What did you think of the lecture?” with “I thought it was good. The lecturer was very clear, and I liked that he gave so many concrete examples,” gives more to the conversation than just answering “Good”. It makes it easier for the other person to continue by giving them more to react to. 

Be personal 
Being personal, sharing your own experiences and perspectives on what you’re discussing, is often what makes conversations feel rewarding. However, it’s usually good to wait before sharing very private things until you get to know someone better. The difference between personal and private can be described like this: personal things are about you but are fairly common or easy to relate to. Examples of this include things you enjoy doing, what your summer plans are, why you like one subject more than another, or that choosing a thesis topic has been stressful. Private things may feel too intimate or difficult to deal with for someone who doesn’t know you very well. Examples include giving too much detail about your family problems or some other difficult thing that’s going on in your life right now.  

Aim for reciprocity 
A conversation needs to feel sufficiently interesting for both parties. If you know that you can talk too much about an interest you have or something big in your life right now, it can help to limit yourself and only talk about it on a more general level. If the other person gets interested and asks follow-up questions, that’s a sign the interest is mutual, and you can then go into more detail. However, if the person is quiet and doesn’t show curiosity, it may be a sign that they have no interest in that topic.  

Ending conversations 
When topics run out and it feels like it’s time to end a conversation in a lecture break, at work or with a neighbour, you can thank them for the chat, or say “See you!” or “Take care!”, or say that you’re leaving the conversation in a way that suits you, for example: “It was nice talking, I’m going to get a coffee” or “I need to get some work done now.” 

In summary, many people find conversations with strangers, and so-called small talk, difficult. One way to feel more comfortable in these situations is to practise often and not place high demands on the conversation. Try to see it as a way to share a moment with someone you can show genuine interest in. Sometimes a conversation leaves a lasting impression; sometimes it feels tentative and not very rewarding.  What matters for changing your loneliness is daring to try. 

You’ve now read about factors that can influence how a conversation feels for everyone involved, and some tips. Take a moment to think about what feels relevant to you, and whether there’s anything you can practise on your own or do differently. Use the questions below as a guide.

• What do you find most difficult about talking to people you don’t know?  

• If you find conversations difficult even with people you know, what challenges do you experience?  

• Is there anything in this section that could help you when you talk to others, and is there anything you can focus on doing differently?
• Are your standards for what counts as a “successful” conversation too high?  

• If you need more support, is there somewhere you can turn to for help? For example, a counsellor or psychologist at your local healthcare centre.