Causes of unwanted loneliness
Loneliness can have many causes, and there isn’t always a clear reason why someone is lonely. It’s common to feel lonely for a while in connection with major life changes, but loneliness can also extend over a longer period of time. Examples of major life changes include moving to a new town, moving abroad and facing language or cultural barriers, breaking up with a partner, losing a close friend or family member, changing degree programmes and leaving a job. Young adults are among the age groups that most often report loneliness in surveys.
Mental and physical health difficulties can affect your ability to initiate new contacts and to deepen and maintain them, and financial problems can limit your ability to spend time with others if it becomes difficult to afford social activities.
We differ in how outgoing we are and how easy we find it to get to know new people. Some of us are introverts, which can affect our social behaviour and self-confidence, and some have difficulty understanding social signals and codes, which makes interaction more difficult. Some people often experience social anxiety in social situations, and there may also be a lot of self-criticism and fear of being judged, which increases the risk of withdrawing to protect yourself from discomfort.
If you’ve been lonely for a long time, it’s common to start thinking the loneliness is down to you, that you’re doing something wrong, or that there’s something wrong with you. Such assumptions can make you despondent and affect your expectations of others, how you think others view you, how you interpret social situations and how you act in them. Although such patterns don’t cause loneliness, they can make it harder to break out of it.
People who experience loneliness despite having relationships sometimes feel this way because they find it hard to deepen relationships, share their feelings with others, express needs and deal with the difficulties that arise. There may be a pattern of withdrawing when you feel bad about yourself or when something doesn’t feel right in the relationship, instead of communicating and trying to sort out problems.
It can be helpful to reflect on different factors that may have contributed to and may still be influencing your loneliness.
Before reading on, take a moment to consider and answer the questions below.
- Are there events, changes in your life or patterns in your relationships that have contributed to your sense of loneliness?
- What was it like during your childhood and schooling?
- Are there conflicts that have affected a relationship?
- Do you find it difficult to express feelings and needs in the relationships you have or have had?
- Do you find it difficult to talk to or approach new people?
- Do you still live in your home town or have you moved away?
- Is there anything else that you think affects your loneliness?