Breaking unhelpful patterns

Dealing with problems often requires not jumping to conclusions too quickly. You often need some time to work out what triggered a negative feeling and how you want to respond wisely to it. That means tolerating temporary emotional discomfort. Sometimes you’ll decide it’s important to speak up or set a boundary; sometimes you’ll need to discuss things with the other person to find a way that works well for both of you based on your respective needs. Other times, you may conclude that you need to take a step back and simply accept that something in the relationship isn’t as you wish.  

Here’s how you can proceed:

1. Notice behaviour patterns. To increase awareness of your patterns, you can map different situations that involve relationships. Spend a couple of weeks filling in the table below. It contains four columns covering the type of situation, your emotional reaction, what you do in response to what happened (or rather your interpretation of what happened), and how you think that your action affects the relationship in the longer term.   

Examples of behaviour patterns:   

What is it like for you? Spend 1–2 weeks collecting examples from your everyday life before moving on.

2. Clarify values that can guide you.  By clarifying the values that matter to you in relationships, you get a good basis for navigating what happens between you and others. By values, we mean ideas about how you want to be as a friend and what you appreciate in relationships. Your values can help you set a direction for your actions in relationships and make it easier to remember why you want to act in certain ways, even when strong feelings in the moment push you elsewhere. There’s no single right set of values, the important thing is that they’re anchored in who you are and what you care about.  

Examples of values or qualities might include: “having fun,” “showing consideration”, “being open”, “being loyal”, “being there”, “being forgiving”, “accepting others as they are”, or “sharing feelings”. If you’re unsure what you want to strive for in your relationships, there are more examples below. See if any of these resonate with what you think is important or appreciate in your relationships:

Being open – Being honest – Being vulnerable – Daring more – Being accepting - Being tolerant – Being humble - Being present – Being attentive – Learning from others – Growing – Being loyal – Being forgiving – Being appreciative – Being loving – Being considerate – Being responsible – Being independent – Belonging – Closeness – Having fun – Feeling meaning – Engagement – Helping others – Meeting my needs – Being true to myself – Showing self-compassion – Feeling compassion for others – Being able to let go – Challenging myself 

Choose at least one value that you identify as important to you in relationships before moving on.  

3. Formulate concrete behaviours based on your values.
Once you’ve chosen one or more values that are important to you in your relationships, consider what you can do that aligns with them.   

If an important value is “Closeness” and you currently feel a lack of closeness in your relationships, you can define concrete actions that in the long run will lead you closer towards that value and the life you want. Different ways to do this may be to: “Call a friend even if I feel sad/tired/stressed and would rather withdraw until life feels calmer”, or “Tell a friend about something that worries me, even if it makes me feel weak or afraid that my friend will think I’m a burden.” Emotional obstacles often arise, in the form of worry or other emotions, and it’s a good idea to be prepared for them.  

In the table below you can choose a value, describe a concrete action aligned with that value, think about obstacles that can make it harder for you, and decide when you’ll do the action. If an obstacle gets too big, remind yourself why you want to do things differently, and perhaps imagine how you’d talk to someone else who has to do something hard, then use that same supportive tone with yourself. We’re often more supportive and forgiving to others than to ourselves.

Based on a value important to you, try to take concrete actions that express the value. Do this for at least 1–2 weeks. Reflect on what taking the action felt like and whether you want to continue with that action or choose a new one.  

Example: 

Fill in the table:

4. Find new, more workable behaviours.  With your values as a guide to what matters to you and how you want to be as a friend, you can consider new behaviours that can replace old patterns. To succeed, you need to practise tolerating emotional discomfort and “keeping your cool” so you don’t act on impulses. One way to give yourself time to decide how to interpret a situation and what to do is to broaden your perspective – bring in more possible interpretations than the immediate one. You can also think about what matters most right now. Sometimes it’s important to stand your ground; other times it’s just as important to let things go to protect the relationship.   

In the table below, you can start from a relationship problem, describe how you usually behave, broaden the perspective, and describe a new behaviour that fits better with your values and wishes in the relationship.

Examples of new behaviours

Your new behaviours: