Anxiety and worry as barriers
If you suffer from social anxiety and worry about doing the wrong thing in social situations, it usually leads to you being more alert to what you say and do, and how you think others perceive you. This is called having increased self-focus. The purpose is to reduce the risk of embarrassing yourself, appearing boring or doing something else “wrong” socially. But there are downsides to excessive self-focus when interacting with others.
One disadvantage is that it gives you less mental space to take in the whole social situation. It becomes harder to focus on what the person you’re talking to says and does. That affects your ability to listen actively and keep a conversation going, and makes the situation feel even harder.
Excessive self-focus can also increase worry and anxiety, as it causes you to interpret the social situation through your subjective feelings of discomfort and negative thoughts, instead of noticing what’s actually happening in a neutral way. If you allow yourself to be more present in a conversation, you’re more likely to get caught up by something interesting or fun and temporarily forget that you’re doing something that feels difficult.
One example of how too much self-focus can become a hindrance is if you become so focused on saying the “right things” that, instead of listening, you’re intensely thinking about what to say next and how to say it. That can give the impression that you’re not interested in what’s being said, even if you are.
Focus outwards
A key strategy to reduce excessive self-focus is to increase your focus outwards, towards what’s happening around you. You can do this by deliberately shifting attention to the person you’re talking to whenever you notice it sliding back to yourself. By reminding yourself to direct your attention towards the person who’s speaking, to what they’re saying and maybe noticing common interests, you anchor yourself more in the present moment, which can give you some distance from negative thoughts and feelings inside.
If you recognize that you have excessive self-focus, you can practise increasing the balance by focusing more outwards. Pay attention to the person you’re talking to, and really listen and take in what’s being said, without demanding that you know exactly what to say next.
- How can you remind yourself to focus outwards when you’re with others?
- Evaluate what happens when you increase outward focus – what do you notice? Does it make a difference to your experience?